Divorce Recovery Phases
Divorce Recovery Phases
There are actual phases of recovery and mourning through the divorce process. Music can play a crucial component in grieving, in moving on, in finding joy and self-acceptance again after such a trauma occurs. This list shows the transitions from one phase to another: shock, sadness, grief, anger, acceptance, peace, and wholeness, and soaring. Each phase must be worked through if one wishes to ever enter into a healthy relationship again. Otherwise, you take your broken self into another broken relationship with two starving people trying to steal from the other’s food. So thankful for music, it has saved my life on many occasions, literally. Be mindful to cry and allow the tears to flow for as long as need be, that is a critical phase that has no timeline to it. The signs of healing indicate a move towards wholeness when the bouts of weeping grow less intense and further apart. When you love your own company and adore yourself, then someone else can love you again.
I came across the following heartfelt letter from Shania Twain, a country music icon who recently suffered the effects of divorce herself. Knowing personally the pangs of anguish of an unexpected divorce, I felt that some of her words could have been penned by yours truly. Having said that, I think there is value in sharing another woman’s experience and raw honesty in the realization that the very phases of healing she is going through, everyone goes through. That alone should give hope to someone right in the midst of the weeping phase that she mentions. Do take it in the spirit with which it is intended. I look forward to her new music that she mentions is part of her therapy.
_______________________________________________
A Personal Message From Shania
Dear Friends,
I am so excited to be writing to you personally again after so long.
First I want to apologize for the delay in releasing new music. Music is the basis of our relationship, after all, and I realize I’m not holding up very well on my end of the relationship! But music has a mind of it’s own, and is ruled by a writer’s emotions and state of mind, not by a time frame or wishful thinking. I wish like crazy that I had new music by now since I dream of how fun it would be to see you all again out on tour with new songs to sing, but as most of you know, I have been side-tracked slightly over this past year.
The personal issues that took place just over a year ago have been well documented, and there’s no need to go into more detail here. Since then, I’ve been inspired by my pain to write and use writing as a therapy through the suffering. I truly wouldn’t wish this on anybody as a means to get inspired, but it’s been a productive period with so much emotion trying to find it’s way out. However, there is no telling how long it will take me to actually finish these songs and record them so they can get out to you.
As many things as there have been to write about through this difficult time in my life, healing is serious business and has taken a lot of the wind out of my sails, slowing me down at times. As you know, I am a mom and all my energy goes to making sure my little man is healthy and happy in every way. This is a full time job, as any parent understands, but especially difficult when you are battling your own personal crisis at the same time while trying to spare your child of being affected by your own suffering.
One time when I was having a weak moment listening to some sad music and sobbing and slobbering over my computer’s keyboard, Eja walked up behind me and asked me why I was crying. He wasn’t sad at first–just totally surprised to see his mom crying (he is seven and never saw me cry before), and didn’t know what to make of it. During this intense period, I was managing to hide my devastation from Eja and cried only when I was alone; but this one time was just too hard for me to control and I broke down. I was quick on my feet to answer him though and told Eja that music was very powerful and can make people quite emotional. It can make you want to dance, feel angry, happy or sad and that THIS this song was sad and made me cry. He accepted this, hugged me and went back to what he was doing. Phew, that was tough!
The energy it has taken me to deal with my personal life and managing to still be a responsible parent has been challenging, and while I have been putting what energy I have left at the end of each day into my writing, it’s been hard to put it all together into song format.
Shania Twain's Own Divorce Recovery
Please be patient and I will do my best to continue working on a finished album!
Each morning I put my son on the school bus, feed our two dogs Sony and Dolly, drink my orange juice and sit down at the computer to write. I spend most of my time working with lyrics right now, sorting thoughts, expressions and concepts. It often comes out in the form of poetry, diary notes or e-mails to friends. My friends are great listeners and are very patient and generous about it. I often go back to my e-mails for song ideas. When I write in letter form, I don’t hold back. I just write it as it comes without considering format, topic, manners, etc. Some of my best songwriting ideas are coming this way.
Time has a way of making everything right, and it is my hope that good music will eventually come out of it. I say “good music” since I don’t want to just throw anything at you, just for the sake of hurrying up to get it out. I want my new music to be something I’m personally satisfied with and proud to share with you.
I have friends and family around constantly coaxing me to focus on my music. “Your fans miss you. They want new music. It’s been too long.” They’re all dying for something new too, so they are pretty relentless about it! I know you certainly all do deserve new music and tour dates; not only because it’s been so long, but also because of the HUGE support you’ve all given me during this period. The many blogs and e-mails have warmed my heart, strengthened my confidence, given me courage, and have often even made me laugh out loud…in a good way! I know I am not alone and realize through your support that you are all rooting for Eja and I, and our well-being. Thank you!
The other day I started writing a few pages about being hungry as a kid. Some of it was painful to think about but it also made me laugh at the funny times. Reflecting on that period of my life, I realize how true it really is to learn to take the good with the bad. To appreciate that you can’t have one without the other. The trick is to give the “good” at least as much of your energy as the “bad” and not to get stuck focusing more on the “bad”. I decided to start writing about other stages of my life to help take my focus off the current phase I’m going through. When I’m feeling down, I figured changing my focus to write about other periods of my PAST would help pull me out of the sadness and on to new chapters in my life. It works.
I will sign off now but I look forward to my next letter/blog to you. I just wanted to fill you in a bit on what’s going on with me and music, as well as extend my thanks for all of the support that you have given me over this last year and for all these years; and to assure you that I’m fine and managing very well, in fact. I’m enjoying my child, friends and family like I haven’t in years, and it’s great. I’ve been experiencing and seeing new things every day, living life with a different and more optimistic attitude. I’ve jumped out of an airplane at 10,000 feet, I’m riding Spanish and Arabian horses, traveling to exotic places, I’ve been deep sea diving for the first time! I pull the odd all-nighter, read more books, listen to Eja’s favourite music with him, LOUD [ironically his favourite band is AC/DC] and basically I’m enjoying life.
Till next time, my friends. Be well, and peace and happiness to all of you.
Love,
Shania
www.fanclub.shaniatwain.com
6/12/2009
